Nuts & Bolts #9 – Zaragoza Our Trampoline!

Aragon Housing Association, coextensive with the medieval Kingdom of Aragon (not really…), has ruled that large play equipment, such as trampolines, are no longer permitted in its properties’ communal gardens (really.)

Jaki Green, 33, explains in the Biggleswade Chronicle (or Biggleswade Today, to reference the online equivalent) that she and a friend bought a trampoline so that her five-year-old son could play outside her flat, but on the advice of Aragon’s insurers the HA will be requesting the item be removed.

“There is no issue with smaller toys that can be taken inside when the children have finished playing with them”, states Gill Higginson, Head of Housing Management, dodging questions regarding Aragon’s fabled black list of banned toys and whether a Slinky counts as small or large depending on its extension.

Without wishing to go off on a tangent the HA have suggested that Ms Green send the children to use a nearby ‘triangle’ area, but despite being sined-off for play by Aragon she could not cosine the suggestion, describing the playing field as a “dog mess, rubbish-filled patch of grass” – as alternatives go, arguably not the right angle for Aragon HA to take.

My own theorem is that Aragon HA hasn’t gone far enough. Every tree in their patch should be cut down, lest children – overcome with an uninsurable, Icarian desire to climb – fall from grace (and, more injuriously, branches). Every inflatable sphere-skin should be summarily relieved of its pressurised contents so that no ball game-related injuries can come to pass (pun intended), on or off the grass. Rip up the turf; lay down the bubble wrap. Safety first.

Given the immeasurable potential for litigation posed by minor outdoor activity, Ms Green could instead opt to stay indoors and watch her son play video games. Biggleswade Today has recently reviewed “Everybody’s Gone to the Rapture”, a slow-paced visual novel of sorts where you slowly walk around the digital simulacrum of an abandoned English village, gradually learning why there’s no one there.

It’s probably because this virtual ghost hamlet (a bard play on words, I know…) hasn’t any trampolines either. Rapture!

References

Post-Script

Re: the title – Zaragoza is the capital city of the autonomous community of Aragon in Spain; with sufficient liberties taken in pronunciation it sounds vaguely like ‘there-a goes-a’, serving as my most obscure reference / worst phonetic pun to date.

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